TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: REVISED RETIREMENT PLAN
Under the plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out personnel via retirement will be placed in effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early)
Employees who are raped will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs within our company. These employees may request a review of their employment records before retirement takes place. This phase of the plan is called SCREW. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers)
Any employee who has been raped or screwed may file an appeal with upper management. This phase will be called SHAFT. (Study of Higher Authority Following Termination)
Under the terms of the new policy an employee may be raped once, screwed twice, but shafted as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance)
As herpes is considered a benefit plan any employee who has herpes will no longer be raped or screwed by the company.
Management wishes to ensure younger employees that the company will continue its training program known as SHIT. (Special High Intensity Training)
The company takes pride in the amount of s--- all employees receive. We have given our employees more s--- than any other company.
If an employee feels he or she does not receive enough s--- on the job, see your supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the s--- you can stand.
